It's a boy!

I have a baby boy! He is beautiful, curled up in my lap as I type.
He is 10 days old today and I am besotted and fascinated by him.
It was a bit of a shock the way it happened, I can't remember if I mentioned how they discovered he was damaging my liver function as well as lowering my platelets which is apparently a really bad thing.
So they sent me to get some blood tests and after two days I decided all must be well when I got a call from the doctor asking me to come in ASAP. So went in and she told me I was having a baby today! (well 11 days ago) she decided they couldnt risk him being in there any longer and had to induce me.
So I went to the hospital, sat around for a while, watched some telly, both my sisters drove in from their homes hours away to join me. The nurses started monitoring me for contractions and monitoring his heart rate. Turns out I had been having contractions for up to 3 days but didn't realise it, I thought it was baby kicking.
Around 6pm they officially induced me, they thought at the rate my contractions were going - very very quickly one after the other, there was a chance I would have him that night, but if not they would break my waters in the morning.
I finally started to feel my contactions and believe me, that was agony, I ended up in the shower, and in bed with my sisters rubbing my back and wiping my face, anything they could think of to make it better for me.
Some time  late that night my waters broke naturally, not the most attractive feeling, but better than the fear I had had of it happening in a shopping centre or on a lovely white couch or something like that.
By early morning I could not take any more, had to get my sisters to go get a midwife and request they give me pain medication, I had been planning on gas but they insisted on morphien first - needle, ugh. At least it wasn't an epidural which I was adamant I did not want.
So I didn't think the morphein was working, until about two hours later when it started to wear off, I think after three hours they decided to put me onto the gas as well and called my doctor to check if they could give me another dose of the morphein, which they did.
I spent the rest of the early hours of the morning barely lucid and in absolute agony, the sisters took shifts sleeping and looking after me.
Around 8 or 9am they decided I was dilating enough and moved me into the delivery room, which was quite a feat in itself, the contractions were still so close together it was hard to get out of bed and into the wheelchair between them.
Mum and Dad came to the hospital about then I think, by this stage I was just on gas and sucking it for all I was worth, which was making me very sleepy although I don't think in much less pain.
Mum and Dad came in to the room one after the other then and I think it must have been hard for them to see me like that but special too I think.
It must have been about 10:30 i realised my body was pushing on the contractions completely against my will, I told my sister E who got the midwife in and told her, they said I wasn't ready yet, so when this was still happening a few minutes later I told them again and they decided yes I was in 2nd stage labour (this was expected to go on for an hour or two at this stage) So at 11am they got all prepared to get this baby out. Only I was so doped up I couldn't push. They told me I needed to be more awake and did I want to try it without the gas this time? Um no! But sister C slowly prised the gas from my hand as another contraction was coming on, and the doctor and midwife took my legs and I swear I screamed the place down, this baby was coming. I finally got a mild relief when I felt the head come out but then thought about the shoulders still to come and I think freaked out a bit and decided I couldn't wait any longer (that said, I had thought numerous times through this process that I couldn't do it at all) so I just kept pushing and screaming, the doctor started yelling at me to listen to the midwife but I was not stopping (it is thought that what the midwife was saying was to stop pushing so they could make sure the cord wasn't wrapped around his neck) But nevermind, out he came! Such a relief, and apparently having a baby 24 minutes after you start pushing, especially for the first child, is very very fast, and in one push even more surprising, but I was just glad it was over, I could relax and hold my beautiful boy while they did their thing with stitches and placenta and general gore.
Once I was all fixed up and had had a rest and a cuddle I started to work up to a much needed shower and once I was up for that the sisters took my beautiful baby out to meet him grandparents.
People were a bit worried about me falling down or whatever in the shower but honestly a shower never felt so good and compared to the last 17 hours I was feeling on top of the world!
Finally got out of the shower and went to meet everyone in my room - private room, so lucky there!
Had a lay down and caught up with everyone, lots of photos and cuddles.
The sisters went out and got me lunch - hadn't eaten for maybe 24 hours? A cheeseburger, apparently in my drugged out haze one of my choice phrases (aimed at a McDonalds ad, advertising a new burger named something fancy) was "its a freaking cheeseburger!" which they thought was hillarious.
Mum and Dad left first I think, and C, and then E? I could be wrong, I don't remember it so clearly.
But yeah I was still feeling great, tried to have a sleep but couldn't stop watching this little bundle next to me. We were mostly left alone that night other than a few observations on both of us and some lessons in breastfeeding and stuff. Really didn't get much sleep but it was great, I wasn't sure if he would stay in my room, I'm glad he did.
The next day I managed to get a shower in and some makeup on, and some blood tests done, then E came in, and also B to see us.
Still feeling pretty great E pointed out that I could go home if I wanted, I wasn't obligated to stay, so checked with midwife who checked with doctor and gave me theall clear to go home! 26 hours after the bith, was so good. Although then the pain started to come, I think all the adrenaline or something wore off. Just aches and stuff.
Came home, had some lunch, can't remember what I did for the rest of the afternoon.
Then that night, my big brave early exit from the hospital started to seem like a bad idea. The breast feeding had started to really hurt, and he refused to settle, after barely making a peep in hospital he was all guns blazing at this stage, around 11pm I was trying to feed him and between him being unhappy and the level of pain it was causing -  I was in tears, we just couldn't do it.
Mum rang the hospital and Dad and C went out looking for formula - apparently impossible at that time of night in this town, so they went to the hospital and got some formula there.
Some time around 12:30 I think I was so exhausted and couldn't stop crying (seems the "3 day blues" came a day early) so the family sent me to bed - no I couldn't get to sleep forever, especially with him crying, it hurt me not to try comfort him.
Around 3am I woke up and found C camped in his room, looking after him, E was helping out to, I got a bit upset then too, feeling like such a failure and like I couldn't help.
The next night C started off looking after him but after a quick nap I went and asked to take over, we slept on the lounge together, him curled up on my chest. We did that for quite a few nights after too, me pushing myself to do it myself so that I could once the sisters went home.
Since then we are getting into a routine, getting to know each other, how not to drown him in his bath, how to get enough sleep. Mum and Dad are being amazing taking turns babysitting so I can have a rest in the bath, or a nap each day.
And here we are, day 10 and a gorgeous little bundle asleep in my arms.

Meh

I've been meaning to update this for weeks now, I want to remember everything that is happening with this pregnancy.
Anyway things aren't so good at the moment. Baby is due in 3 weeks - I've had a pretty strong feeling for a few months that he is coming early though and by his recent movements my doctor also thinks that is a possibility.
I also have to have an iron infusion in two days, I've been getting more and more exhausted and dizzy and after another blood test found that my iron level is practically non existant at the moment. But considering I have had crap iron levels for as long as I remember it is a bit exciting to see how much better I feel.
Although I have my driving test tomorrow. I have realised I haven't actually done any reverse parking or parallel parking which could be a problem. If I fail this test it could be another two months before I can get a booking, by which time I will have a baby and I have to have my log book for 6 months after passing a driving test and I really need my license as soon as possible.
Also Mum is in hospital. She got sick about a week ago, it looked to me like the flu. But she got worse, I took her to the doctors on Monday (really appreciating the fact that I at least have my L's this week) and they seemed to think she had a UTI and I can't remember what else. They gave her antibiotics and some forms for a bunch of blood tests. So she spent the week in bed taking the antibiotics and lots of panadol and eating almost nothing. By Friday she was only getting worse so I took her in to the hospital to get the blood tests done and then in to her doctor again. The doctor didn't have the blood test results but gave her some different antibiotics and some panadeine forte, they told her to try drink at least 3L of water a day because she was so severely dehydrated, and suggested if she couldn't she may need to go to the hospital to get rehydrated by an IV.
So I took her back home, put her to bed with her new antibiotics and a panadeine which knocked her out. She woke up about 6 but couldn't even stay awake to get to the bathroom or get through a sentence. So i called the hospital and my sister and they both thought she should go in to the hospital. So Dad managed to get her into the car, she was so out of it and could hardly walk. I thought they would just rehydrate her overnight and she would come home in the morning but its Sunday now and she is still there. They have her on the fluid IV drip and well as IV antibiotics, and she seemed much better yesterday if for only being rehydrated. But they took a bunch of blood on Friday night because they think she has a blood infection and those results won't be in until at least late today. They also think she has diabetes, apparently her blood sugar has been pretty severe.
So just to make it all about me, I feel so guilty because I have been cooking almost all her meals the last few months and only now does she go down with diabetes. Because I tried to look after her and feel like I palmed her off to the hospital. And because now she is stuck in the hospital which I know must make her miserable.
I know, selfish thoughts but I can't help it.
In pregnancy news my 'belly' is relatively small considering time is almost up. It's way smaller than every other woman in my antenatal class and everyone I speak to is amazed I've only got weeks to go, its a bit weird.
The doctor said the baby is a really good size though, and I have only put on 3 kilos in the last 20 weeks so its pretty much all baby and I may myself actually end up weighing less than I did before I was pregnant which is a nice thought.
The stretch marks aren't quite so good. They could be worse I guess but once they started they multiplied rapidly and look horrific around the scar of my belly button piercing (years ago removed). So I am cocoa buttering it up to the best of my ability but all that seems to do is maybe make them less itchy.
Baby also appears to be "engaging" - moving into position where his head will settle in between my pelvic bones, then its just a waiting game, seems two weeks from the time he is fully settled that it will all start happening.
I'm freaking out about the birth and still feeling pretty alone in it. Still having dramas with sister C so yesterday once and for all decided it will not be beneficial having her as my support person and sister E is going to try make it instead, should be fine, sounds like labour will go on for absolutely forever. I wish sister C and I could just stop trying to make our relationship something its not and never will be, we just don't interact well together. Best friend S is coming over too, bit of a guessing game as to whether he will be here while I'm in hospital because of the uncertain timing of the birth and the fact that he has a life in Melbourne and has only so much leeway which is fair enough. And I may need to call on B if i need someone while E is making her way here. Mum just doesn't want to see her daughter in that much pain, I think she was a bit freaked out by seeing E go through it. B is being great though, really helping me out. I have a few things like this iron infusion and my last antenatal class that Mum just isn't up for this week and although I am waiting for confirmation I'm pretty sure B will help me out.
Oh and on other pregnancy news my feet have started doing that swelling thing, they hurt and they itch and they are hot and puffy, it sucks. And the baby is starting to actually hurt me, with my belly not being so big he is pulling on (well pushing on i guess) my stomach muscles near my ribs, as well as with him being down in my pelvis there is quite a bit of pain there, only on the right side which is weird. It's mostly bad when I stand up and the pressure is applied, but last night I couldn't even roll over because of this pain in my right side, I am trying to sleep mostly on my left side because apparently the way you spend most of your time directs the way they settle in to come out and there is a certain way you want them to come out to avoid additional pain, his spine should be along my belly facing out, if his spine is facing my spine it will hurt more. Well his spine has been lined along my right side the last few months, so if he slides down that way is very much not good.
Anyway that's my updates for now, most likely I will have a baby by the time I get back here.

Bits and Pieces

Just saw the new Twilight movie, was pretty good.
Have been painting the cot and change table, turns out I'm not a very good painter but they are looking alright if not a bit rustic, but god does it hurt! I'm so stiff and bruised and pulled a damn muscle in my shoulder again, will be good to get it finished, which is taking much longer than I expected.
I am in love with my tummy, and also a little freaked out by it. I mean when you think about it it's a pretty weird thing, something living and growing inside you and morphing your body to accomodate it, but it's also pretty cool, I keep getting shocked when it grows some more.
Weekend away went well, E and Mum got along, think they are both so set in their ways of not talking to each other that not much has changed in terms of not calling each other or anything but at least sticking them together for a weekend finally broke through the akwardness and got them civil again.
Missing Melbourne, mostly the freedom I think. It has finally hit me that here I can't just get up at 6am 7 days a week and walk to get somewhere, to go shopping, jump on a tram or train and go somewhere. Here I am not within walking distance of anything except parks to walk in, I have no sign of public transport, and really there isn't much to do here anyway. I am seeing myself turning into one of those women who "lunch" and shop to fill in the days,  but for now I have to get lifts into town to do that too, which is immensly frustrating, looking forward to getting through this whole L plates thing at last.
That may be about it for now.

Baby Shower Weekend

So after my blog the other day I realised there was a few things I left out, lets see if I can remember them.

The first is that B and I went out a few more times but in the end I just couldn't get my mind into the zone it should have been in for him, it was like I already have so much going on in there I couldn't get any more in. It wasn't fair on him to not be able to give him the attention he deserves. So I explained all that to him and he understands, we are going to try still be friends which I would like. Especially being so far away from my best friend S.

Also a thing I have been meaning to note just in case JJ ever asks me if I had cravings while pregnant with him. Not that he probably will, it never occured to me to ask my Mum until I got pregnant and I don't believe that will be happening to JJ. But here they are, eggs, mushrooms and chicken - and maybe nutella, I can't decide if that is a craving or not. But yeah it seems to be protien, in the forms of Eggs Hollandaise, mushrooms cooked pretty much any way but in large quantities, and McDonalds chicken nuggets, you know the seasoned batter ones? It really makes you realise how crumbed nuggets don't match up when you are truly craving them, haha.

I think there was one other thing but I must go because we are about to leave for the birthday / baby shower weekend :)

It's about time.

Ahh well, Glorious Foxtel is being installed as I write so since I haven't managed to update in quite a while I should probably do it now before I have the added distraction of Foxtel.

So 26 weeks now! 14 to go! CRAZY!

Also had gotten to point with Centrelink and job agency that I was required to if not find a job, then be placed in 30 hours a week of voluntary work or training. Which to be honest I don't think I am currently physically up to - Pregnancy is full on!

So had a chat to my doctor and between her and Centrelink it was agreed the best action would be to get a medical certificate starting my too pregnant to work exemption early, so that is done and a huge stress off my shoulders. They did however inform me I don't really have an option about chasing J for child support, but that the agency can do it for me. I just don't want to fight with him or be given any more false promises. I don't want anything from him but if not asking him for money means getting next to no money from Centrelink to live on I don't really have an option.

Moved in to new house with Mum and Dad this week, its lovely and big. And of course will be all the better for having Foxtel in it! One in each lounge room, ahhh.

Started unpacking JJ's room yesterday, sorting things out, starting to feel a bit better about that (except for the bruise and chunk missing on my foot from where I dropped a cupboard on it). It currently has a bug bomb going off in it because there seem to be lots of gross black spiders around - My room is next! The rest of the house is a bit harder because its so open plan and the cat refuses to go outside.

Next weekend is my baby shower / birthday getaway to a retreat in the country with Mum and my sisters, hopefully will be really good if we can all try not to kill each other. One sister is coming down here a couple of days before and the other sister is going to come back here on the day we leave the retreat to show me how to set up all the stuff she gave me - cots, change tables, various other objects of what purpose I am yet to discover.

Then comes my favourite time of year, tax return time. Be assured, by July 1 my tax return will be completed online and well on it's way to appearing in my bank account. At which time I shall pick up all the stuff I have laybuyed for JJ, pay off my bills and give Mum and Dad a chunk to get us in advance on bills here, and then arrange to have the rest of my stuff sent over from my Aunts house. Lovely! Shall be so excited if any money remains after that, but just getting those things done will be a good start.

So baby appears to be coming along perfectly by all reports. And my iron isn't too low for a change. He kicks and squirms quite regularly now. I am still trying to catch some kicks for Mum, but it seems when I call her over or move he goes all shy (I think she is a bit offended - maybe he will kick her when he comes out). I took advantage of no one being here to monitor my naughty lifting of heavy things etc yesterday and did a massive amount of unpacking and moving of boxes and a little furniture. Can't say I regret doing it because the house now at least looks a bit like a house and I can sit on a couch without climbing through mountains of boxes, but yes I do agree it was a bit stupid and JJ was a little put out and my back was very put out, but considering, we both seem to feel OK today so that's good!

Well Foxtel guy is still working away but I may go air out the bug bombed room and put some more washing on anyway. Finally after a week of day and night pouring rain we have sunshine!

Bloody Coffee

So I know 10:30 is not late, but it's about 2 hours later than I have been going to sleep lately and I am still wide awake :(
Combination of things really - 1. Had a coffee today. Have been avoiding coffee recently because it seems to be having a disturbing effect on my heart (big thumping of the heart - more than is considered normal I think). But I was so tired this morning and was going to look at rentals with Mum. Now have heartburn - a new thing to me and incredibly unpleasant; as well as being wide awake and having a slightly too vigorous heartbeat.
2. Looked at rentals with Mum today, found one we love, don't seem to have any competition - yet, however need to move fast. My father does not seem to entirely grasp this concept and it makes me very nervous, Mum and I aren't prepared to lose this one. So I am thinking about that - and also of course planning the layout of the rooms if we do get it :)
3. I am having lunch with B tomorrow. I haven't yet seen him since I got back, so for around 3 years I think. So whilst I don't want to get too excited... it seems I am.
We are still speaking every day, he is so lovely. I know it's going to annoy me so much when Mum, and Dad more quietly judge him on his tattoos and piercings.
B seems to be prepared though, he asked me today if he should cover his piercings when he comes over. He seems to grasp that this is not going to be an easy relationship to explain to my parents, in terms of the timing (pregnancy) and that we are going to need to be careful with my parents and try ease them into it and make them understand we aren't taking this lightly and that we are aware the baby is the priority and all the complications that come with that.
And the parents have to be able to accept it because hopefully B isn't going anywhere, and I will be living with Mum and Dad for a minimum of 3 years now that I am the reason they will be doubling their rent ( I am paying half once we move of course, but if I move out they would be a bit screwed)
I think I am at the nesting stage and that is quite difficult when I don't have a house to nest in. I really want to get JJ's room set up so I can figure out what I have and what I need and prepare.
It's raining pretty heavily at the moment. I quite like it. The weather has been really surprisingly nice all week, cool mornings but warm days and lots of sun. But this weekend the bad weather hit, but yeah, I like it.
Hmmm JJ is kicking. He is getting much stronger or bigger or both. I seem to have had another belly growth spurt this week, I didn't realise until I looked in the mirror last night but Mum said she had already noticed it.
Hmm nothing like Marylin Manson when you are trying to get to sleep. Then again, it is the cover of Sweet Dreams so I guess that is appropriate.
I do have some taped TV shows I could be watching but it will be so cold out of bed :(
The book I am reading is crap, its about this sexist raver druggie guy and it just reminds me of J - the raver druggie part at least.
God I am going to be exhausted tomorrow.
Can't remember if I blogged earlier this week, don't think so. Met my new doctor, who will also be the one delivering JJ, who is lovely, really happy with her. Turned out though my blood pressure and iron were both too low. Blood pressure being low seems to come with pregnancy and it is a bit better now, and I have gotten back onto the iron supplement - ugh.
Ugh so wish I could sleep.
Anyway I think you are more or less up to date so I will go check my facebook and then consider what to do with the remainder or my night.
Goodnight.

Updates Continued

So it's late and I'm tired but I thought I should also update about what's going on with B. No he hasn't just drifted into oblivion like every other guy in this blog.
We have talked almost every day for the last few weeks, I think he is finally doing better.
Don't get me wrong, I am still well aware that he is just out of a relationship and I am pregnant, as I advised him tonight when he asked me if he could cook me dinner when I get back.
I told him the idea sounded romantic and that was confusing given the situation, he agreed but offered again.
So yes, I will have dinner with him, but being very cautious that he is aware I am well on my way to having a big belly, and at a certain point not wanting to have sex, and then not having time to have sex, let alone anything else, and that my body will not be all better once the baby is out, if anything it will look worse. I just think he needs to really appreciate those facts before thinking he wants a relationship with me at this point.
There is a big pause here while I am thinking of what else to say.
Because of course I would love to have B by my side, and not in any way am I looking for a daddy for my baby. Wanting B is about me and how amazing he is, although it doesn't help that I know he would love my baby too. But I just don't think he needs to sign up for that, because I am not just me now, I am this morphing version of me and soon I will have a little me with me 24/7. Of course I secretly hope that he does want to sign up for that but I have to be so careful.

Updates Updates

Quick update I've been meaning to write for ages, quick because my crappy ass laptop battery will die any minute.

So started to really feel baby kick around 2 weeks ago - at the cat who was lying on my stomach at the time, cute. The purring still seems to set him off.

Had 20 week ultrasound this week - was really cool but beyond painful - especially the next day. There was alot of excess poking and prodding because baby refused to move - Oh and its a boy! Yeah so i had to go for a couple of runs (with my neice) around hallways and up and down stairs trying to get it to move. It was quite cozy though, one leg really stretched out - very posey. Have to go back tomorrow though to try again to get a good shot at its heart.

And I got gastro this week :( didn't last long and I got off lightly but my 3 year old neice got it last night :( poor little munchkin.

Hmm what else before the battery dies.

Moving in just over a week. My back really freaking hurts where all the pregnancy stuff is going on. my belly has a definete and contoured baby bump. The cat loves cuddling it.

I think thats a good catch up. if i think of anything else it can wait until I recharge.

Bump in the night

So 18 weeks now. Just wanted to report that there is definitely a bump working its way out now.

The other night my sister and I realised we could actually feel the head or maybe the bum, something round and hard to the side of the bump, can still feel it with a bit of prodding, its kind of cool. Ultrasound will be good to confirm what that is, and if its a boy or girl! Can't wait!

So B is single now. Shattered though, of course with everything he has gone through in the last month. We are too far away from each other to see each other and while I really want to try comfort him and cheer him up, at least this way we both have a chance to keep some perspective and not jump into something with him on the rebound and me needing to be really careful and thinking about how it will affect the baby.

Going back down in 3 weeks, will be good. I'm kind of over it here, I don't know why I feel like it will be any less boring there but I'm just going crazy up here at the moment. Then will be househunting with Mum and Dad, did I mention we are going to look for a house to rent together which is like separated? So something like they have a house and I have the granny flat, or they have upstairs, I have downstairs. And this way I can help them pay the rent and bills which will be good.

Anyway thats about it for now.

Heartbeat

So 17 weeks in and I am still feeling reasonably sick but managing to control it better than I was.

Have been feeling the baby move just a little bit, weird little twinges now and then. Not much going on in the bump area. Went to the doctors today and heard the heartbeat for the first time, was so awesome, I nearly cried. E was with me and heard it too. Doctor is starting to get worried because I still have not put on even a gram of weight, judging by the shoes I was wearing today it seems likely I have lost weight in the last month which is definetly not a good thing. So have been instructed to eat more, which seems like a pretty good proposition to me, only I am eating as much as I can! lol. I really can't manage breakfast and I fill up pretty fast these days so I think I'll have to get into the lots of smaller meals thing.

It's pretty cold here, bucketing down, summer appears to be over. Will be moving down to Mum and Dads town next month which will be even colder, need to buy some warmer clothes I think, and these jeans aren't going to take any growing once it decides to happen.

So that's about it for now :) I'm off to watch cooking shows and try make myself hungry.

Yawn

It's 4am, have been awake for ages - stewing.
Sister C is in her bitch mode and we are all in the same house for Easter, and now I look like a bitch for biting back when she was patronising me all afternoon. And we are all supposed to play happy families so Mum doesn't disown us again like Christmas.
She brings out the worst in me I swear, everything has been going so well but then she does not like the way I am living and is going to be a bitch about it.
Oh and I had a complete and utter teary at dinner over nothing, luckily it was obvious it was over nothing but I just couldn't stop crying! Bloody hormones.
Thinking all up I should just stay in my room all weekend, but no doubt that would upset someone too.

oh

Oh god I think I might still love B a little bit

Continuing on.

I kind of feel like this still isn't completely real. I've wanted a baby for so long that I sort of keep expecting them to discover I am not actually pregnant, thats its a hysterical pregnancy or something, or that all those issues I was having will mean the baby won't even survive and it's in the wrong place or something. But one month and we will see. The bump is sort of becoming apparent to me, and I got Mum to feel it the other day too, but not quite "popped" yet, should be soon though.

So I just found out through a mutual friend that my utteirly lovely ex boyfriend, B is having a bit of a hard time. Not good, I had actually really been wanting to get in touch will him since I got home, miss him so much, but I wasn't sure he would want to hear from me. But then this friend told me he is having a really hard time in the form of a fiance who seems to be a control freak and really, a bitch. He is so much better than that, its so sad. So the friend asked me to get in touch with him, thought he could use someone to talk to. I'm not sure I can help, and ex girlfriend who is pregnant and single but he means the world to me and he is just so much better than all that!

So messaged him, is going well, don't really know if I can help much, can't exactly break them up (wow, look at me all grown up! I would have relished the thought a few years ago!) but I hope he see's he deserves so much better.

Hmm have to do Easter baking today, hope I can be bothered at some stage, certainly can't at the moment. May go in search of food though...

Bittersweet Symphony

Just had the realisation that maybe spending all day in bed is not purely due to feeling sick and sore, and tired, but maybe a bit because I am sad too.
I sort of feel like I am fading into oblivion. Though about messaging C, messaged him the other day and told him I missed him, had a bit of a chat, all rather pointless though isn't it.
But I mean I have gone from spending $400 a month on my phone to $50, I barely speak to people, i don't go anywhere, I don't really have any friends here, especially in the town where my parents live, I am paranoid every time I go out that I will run into someone from my past.
This baby is a good thing, it will be great. But I feel like I've sacraficed my independence and lost all my friends.
I don't know.

My sea monkey looks like a real monkey!

So I haven't filled you in for a little while now, considering I haven't been doing anything much there has been alot going on.
So I moved back over here, have been staying with my sister E and her family, which has been good, relaxing and stuff.
I'm down at Mum and Dads at the moment, for a week or two, yet to be decided.
Have been speaking to Mum and she thinks I should have the baby down here and look for a bigger house with her and Dad, I think it's a good idea. With my rough budget I can't afford any rentals near my sisters place, but sharing with Mum and Dad would help us both out.
But my sister E will think it's a stupid idea because she is still mad at Mum, and maybe always will be, I'm so worried by that now I'm in between it. I hope she sorts it out before the baby comes, but considering she has been holding a grudge for like 10 years I won't hold my breath.
And my sister C will think I am being selfish by burdening Mum and Dad. But I have spoken to Mum about it and if we get a big enough house we will have our own space, and I will be able to help out with rent and bills and housesitting.
We shall see.
Hmmmmm and there is K, I finally explained to him that I am being so weird because I think this is really bad timing to start something, however promising it looks. He understands and is being really good about it, we are going to see how things go. We will go out when he is in town next week.
Anyway my typing is annoying Mum, lol. Talk soon.

1 more sleep

Well right now I am outside, and it is cold. I am getting my carpets cleaned, last night in Victoria tonight. 
Slept on the floor last night, was so painful I didn't sleep much at all and gave up completely at 4:30, got up and finished packing then went to McDonalds for breakfast instead.
Went out for dinner with my godmother and her family last night, it was so much fun.
Going to stay with my aunt tonight, not another night on that floor!
Wow I'm glad I am out here, that carpet cleaning stuff is smelly! Hope he finishes soon though, I am pretty tempted to crash out on the kitchen floor when he is done. Should really go to the Vic Markets or something, or go get Camerons Krispy Kreme, but I am just so tired!
Still feeling both sick and hungry most of the time. My tummy has started to stick out just a little bit more than usual.
These stairs are really uncomfortable :(
Anyway I don't really have alot to say so I might go back to playing solitare for a while.

Times are changing.

Wow so much has happened since my last blog.

So I quit my job and am moving back to Perth next week.

It's not even been a week since I decided to do that so things are a little crazy, boxes everywhere, friends running around trying to help me get everything sorted, trying to get through this one last week at work.

J and I are still having trouble getting on the same page but we talked last night and are trying to make things work as they are. He is apparently heading over to Perth around Christmas so we talked about him maybe coming and doing Christmas with my family and the little one.

I told my godmother F about hoping its a girl so I can use F's name as her middle name, apparently she nearly cried, haha, oops.

So I am going to stay with my sister for now. Mum is talking about maybe getting a bigger house so we could all have our own space so I kind of really hope she does that because I would like to be down there to have the baby and for the first few months. But I don't want them to move because of me. Well I do, but I would rather they wanted to do it either way.

I'm pretty tired and thats about all I have to say so I'll leave it at that for now.

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness

Oh the hormones, they are a-raging. :( 
I hope it's not like this everyday, had to go home from work because I was flipping out so much.
J set it off. Sent me a bloody message asking if he could get a blood test to make sure it's his. Then couldn't figure out why I was so angry. Oh i don't know because that is so fucking insulting? I mean god I am not actually a total slut, maybe a little misguided. But I know 100 % who the damn father is. For three reasons. I took 2 tests before I had sex with J. I had my period before the last time I had sex - with J. And because the doctor said it was 5 bloody weeks.
Not to mention how fucking dangerous it is to try take a blood test now, I'm not taking that risk, he can forget it. If I want anything to do with him in 8 months then we can do it then. 
Oh and then he said, oh you don't understand me, you just don't get it. You know what? You are right, I don't understand you in the slightest!
So that made me mad as hell before I started work, then I had a complete dickhead customer who made me mad. 
Then K pissed me off and I yelled at her. Then I asked to go home (said morning sickness) and my boss told me (you know what he is not actually my boss) to suck it up, and I had a go at him because I can't control my emotions and my stomach right now, I don't know what to expect, but he sure as hell has no idea what I am going through! He did apologize after I had left.
And I've had a headache for a few days from the pain in my breasts :( They better get huge for all this!
So I think I've calmed down a bit now and I'm all exhausted again, had a good chat to R who is good at calming me down. She really wants to help which is really nice. Would be better if she wasn't with E but I guess I can't help that.
Back to the doctors tomorrow. Blood test results. I've been taking my iron at least, which has helped really obviously, but I wasn't before the test so that is sure to worry them coz the levels will no doubt be crazy low.
And payday soon, can buy that bloody liquid folic acid at last. And depending how much I get paid, a really good cot I found on ebay.
I want to move! I hate that I have to wait and scramble to pull the money together. Oh and find a house.

Yawn

Ohmygod i'm so bored. I'm at work and I can't concentrate on anything and I'm exhausted as all hell. haven't really achieved much all day.
There is only so many websites I can surf with a manager directly behind me.
I just want to go to bed :(
J is here too, it's weird, like surreal?
So I'm going to move back out to suburbia I have decided. I was looking at places last night and I can get a place with two or three bedrooms and all fresh painted and nice modern tiling and dishwashers and things, way cheaper than the tiny little apartment I am in now!
Hoping for March / April before I get too huge and stuff and will be able to settle in. it'll only be like a half hour train ride to work anyway, and I plan on leaving work in July, early or late depending on what financial support I can get.
I can't believe there is still two and a half hours to go :(
Australia Day tomorrow. I am going to have lunch with my godmothers family. Hopefully I don't vomit. I don't imagine I will stay long, I want to nap like all the time at the moment.
Hmm still two and a half hours to go.
I can hear J on the phone.
My stomach kind of hurts today, but like in the muscles. I think probably because I have been so aware of not really stretching out my stomach like I usually do when i wake up.
You wouldn't believe how hard it is to eat all the servings of all the different food groups they expect you to eat! And I am eating all day!
I am waiting until payday to order this vitamin from overseas, liquid (raspberry flavoured) folic acid, which is in one drop the equivelent of two massive capsules I have been trying to eat.
And it's so weird putting salt into my food for a change, coz I need Iodine, so I have iodized salt, but I'm so used to trying not to add salt to anything.
Oh god I still have to cook dinner when I get home, at like 9pm! :( Wish I wasn't so broke and could order in.
I'm so tempted to actually sleep at my desk when the manager goes home. If thats possible with super bitch so close to me.
*sigh*

Good things come to those who wait

I'm so hungry! Haha, all the time! I was eating at 10pm last night and when i woke up today i couldn't get back to sleep because I was starving!

Yet with eating all day and all night I still struggle trying to get in all the serves of all the different good groups I am supposed to have. I'm hungry, not a machine!

And my breasts hurt :( Quite alot, lol. I'm not looking forward to that getting worse.

I went and told my aunt today, she was awesome, said I should visit her more often, and maybe stay with her when the time comes that I will need a lift to the hospital.

I'm actually thinking it's not a bad idea to move back down there coz it'll be so much cheaper and I won't have to come into work for like a year anyway. But depends on finances I guess.

I'm also constantly exhausted. So I'm going to ring my parents, eat and then sleep.  :)

Oh Baby

Well, this is not how I saw the new year starting.

To begin with Dad came over alone and we had a great time, did all the cool expensive touristy things, and caught up with family and family friends which was really nice. I've now got families all over the state to visit :)

I was really really sick for quite alot of the trip, on the monday we did heaps of stuff and it was a stifling 45 degrees and by the time we got home I was viciously ill, spend the whole night in the bathroom, and alot of the next two days, I didn't fully recover while he was here which was a bit sad.

So anyway my New Years Resolution was to not have sex, if not for the whole year then maybe at least until my birthday or something, I figured it would go a long way to uncomplicating my life, and December was crazy.

However, by the time Dad left I had realised not only was I quite sick, but I was late....

So I had a test leftover from a pack of tests I had taken in December, so I took it. Immediatly positive.

So I got my sister online and told her, it really wasnt sinking in, I didn't know what I thought. She was brilliant and is still being so awesome and helpful. So yeah I talked to her for ages, had a bit of a cry out of nowhere.

Then that night I could not sleep. So I got up at 6am and went out and bought another 3 pack of tests. Took one, immediatly positive. So I cancelled the job interview I had lined up for that day. Had a nap. Took another, immediatly positive. It really still hadn't sunk in at that point. I took one more, positive.

So since I took the last tests after N when I was sick in december (just sick obviously) and they were negative, and I had my girlie confirmation too I figured out it was within the last 5 weeks, which is definetly J. Poor J is really not taking it well, I mean I didn't expect him to but I think his morals are the hardest for him. Like I don't expect anything from him, I am not looking for a baby daddy and I don't even know what I need. And he doesn't really want this to be happening at all, but he feels bad about not helping so we are working on that. I wish I could make it easier for him.

I would probably be super stressed and upset too but I am trying really hard to maintain calm and stuff because I know the first three months are touch and go and I couldn't imagine losing it.

I went to the doctors this morning, its for sure. They took heaps of blood for all different tests though, my veins are defective! I have like the slowest blood flow in the world. So I go back next week and get those results then they pass them on to the hospital and I can arrange ultrasounds and all whatever else! I have one at about 10 weeks and then at 18. Oh and I am 5 weeks now.

So, suprise surprise huh?

Days Like These

Oh I'm so exhausted.

Still so strung out from the Mum thing and a huge week at work so far.

J is all weird around me, I really hurt him which I hate, and I can't process it because I am still so quick to bottle things up. I still want to hug him but I think he just needs me to leave him alone.

So Dad is coming over this Saturday, staying with me for a week and a half, Mum has decided not to come at all. I don't know how I feel about it, seems like a huge waste of money, and I'm worried how she will go by herself during that time because she is obviously not in a good place.

My Aunt is messaging me at the moment, she hadn't heard about all this, and I get to tell her her sister isn't coming over to see her.

Work sucks this week but only one more day and I let A know how I was feeling today. That said though, people don't seem to realise A is not my boss, including him! My boss has abandoned me, i don't know when I get my new boss but I work with A not below him, very annoying.

But yeah, I'm hungry and since its payday I actually have food so I'm going to eat.

You drive me Crazy

I still haven't spoken to Mum.

I have spoken to my sister E quite a bit. She baisically never wants to speak to Mum, her fiance who was CCd into the email feels the same.

E thought it was only her I had blocked from facebook so she was pissed at first but now I have explained we have actually helped each other process it a bit i i think, she has definetly helped me.

My sister C hasn't seen the email yet we think. So E sent her an email telling her to delete it before reading it, try spare her from this mess. But she will have to read it to know whats going on. I guess we just don't want it to blow up any futher, on Mum, or on us if she takes Mums side.

Dad emailed E yesterday, because she was too upset to answer the phone. He rang her 5 times, he didnt ring me. He is pretty angry but as E said seems to be letting it go a bit now. E said if she was him she would have left. Dad is trying to play peacemaker I guess. And he thinks maybe Mum needs phsyciatric help. But it's just one of those things, I understand it because I have the same problems as her. They tried to put me on meds, she has been taking those meds for 10 years and then this. And they sent me to phsycologists and phsyciatrists and I'm still all fucked up. But at least I try to keep my crazy attacks out of the family.