There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness

Oh the hormones, they are a-raging. :( 
I hope it's not like this everyday, had to go home from work because I was flipping out so much.
J set it off. Sent me a bloody message asking if he could get a blood test to make sure it's his. Then couldn't figure out why I was so angry. Oh i don't know because that is so fucking insulting? I mean god I am not actually a total slut, maybe a little misguided. But I know 100 % who the damn father is. For three reasons. I took 2 tests before I had sex with J. I had my period before the last time I had sex - with J. And because the doctor said it was 5 bloody weeks.
Not to mention how fucking dangerous it is to try take a blood test now, I'm not taking that risk, he can forget it. If I want anything to do with him in 8 months then we can do it then. 
Oh and then he said, oh you don't understand me, you just don't get it. You know what? You are right, I don't understand you in the slightest!
So that made me mad as hell before I started work, then I had a complete dickhead customer who made me mad. 
Then K pissed me off and I yelled at her. Then I asked to go home (said morning sickness) and my boss told me (you know what he is not actually my boss) to suck it up, and I had a go at him because I can't control my emotions and my stomach right now, I don't know what to expect, but he sure as hell has no idea what I am going through! He did apologize after I had left.
And I've had a headache for a few days from the pain in my breasts :( They better get huge for all this!
So I think I've calmed down a bit now and I'm all exhausted again, had a good chat to R who is good at calming me down. She really wants to help which is really nice. Would be better if she wasn't with E but I guess I can't help that.
Back to the doctors tomorrow. Blood test results. I've been taking my iron at least, which has helped really obviously, but I wasn't before the test so that is sure to worry them coz the levels will no doubt be crazy low.
And payday soon, can buy that bloody liquid folic acid at last. And depending how much I get paid, a really good cot I found on ebay.
I want to move! I hate that I have to wait and scramble to pull the money together. Oh and find a house.

Yawn

Ohmygod i'm so bored. I'm at work and I can't concentrate on anything and I'm exhausted as all hell. haven't really achieved much all day.
There is only so many websites I can surf with a manager directly behind me.
I just want to go to bed :(
J is here too, it's weird, like surreal?
So I'm going to move back out to suburbia I have decided. I was looking at places last night and I can get a place with two or three bedrooms and all fresh painted and nice modern tiling and dishwashers and things, way cheaper than the tiny little apartment I am in now!
Hoping for March / April before I get too huge and stuff and will be able to settle in. it'll only be like a half hour train ride to work anyway, and I plan on leaving work in July, early or late depending on what financial support I can get.
I can't believe there is still two and a half hours to go :(
Australia Day tomorrow. I am going to have lunch with my godmothers family. Hopefully I don't vomit. I don't imagine I will stay long, I want to nap like all the time at the moment.
Hmm still two and a half hours to go.
I can hear J on the phone.
My stomach kind of hurts today, but like in the muscles. I think probably because I have been so aware of not really stretching out my stomach like I usually do when i wake up.
You wouldn't believe how hard it is to eat all the servings of all the different food groups they expect you to eat! And I am eating all day!
I am waiting until payday to order this vitamin from overseas, liquid (raspberry flavoured) folic acid, which is in one drop the equivelent of two massive capsules I have been trying to eat.
And it's so weird putting salt into my food for a change, coz I need Iodine, so I have iodized salt, but I'm so used to trying not to add salt to anything.
Oh god I still have to cook dinner when I get home, at like 9pm! :( Wish I wasn't so broke and could order in.
I'm so tempted to actually sleep at my desk when the manager goes home. If thats possible with super bitch so close to me.
*sigh*

Good things come to those who wait

I'm so hungry! Haha, all the time! I was eating at 10pm last night and when i woke up today i couldn't get back to sleep because I was starving!

Yet with eating all day and all night I still struggle trying to get in all the serves of all the different good groups I am supposed to have. I'm hungry, not a machine!

And my breasts hurt :( Quite alot, lol. I'm not looking forward to that getting worse.

I went and told my aunt today, she was awesome, said I should visit her more often, and maybe stay with her when the time comes that I will need a lift to the hospital.

I'm actually thinking it's not a bad idea to move back down there coz it'll be so much cheaper and I won't have to come into work for like a year anyway. But depends on finances I guess.

I'm also constantly exhausted. So I'm going to ring my parents, eat and then sleep.  :)

Oh Baby

Well, this is not how I saw the new year starting.

To begin with Dad came over alone and we had a great time, did all the cool expensive touristy things, and caught up with family and family friends which was really nice. I've now got families all over the state to visit :)

I was really really sick for quite alot of the trip, on the monday we did heaps of stuff and it was a stifling 45 degrees and by the time we got home I was viciously ill, spend the whole night in the bathroom, and alot of the next two days, I didn't fully recover while he was here which was a bit sad.

So anyway my New Years Resolution was to not have sex, if not for the whole year then maybe at least until my birthday or something, I figured it would go a long way to uncomplicating my life, and December was crazy.

However, by the time Dad left I had realised not only was I quite sick, but I was late....

So I had a test leftover from a pack of tests I had taken in December, so I took it. Immediatly positive.

So I got my sister online and told her, it really wasnt sinking in, I didn't know what I thought. She was brilliant and is still being so awesome and helpful. So yeah I talked to her for ages, had a bit of a cry out of nowhere.

Then that night I could not sleep. So I got up at 6am and went out and bought another 3 pack of tests. Took one, immediatly positive. So I cancelled the job interview I had lined up for that day. Had a nap. Took another, immediatly positive. It really still hadn't sunk in at that point. I took one more, positive.

So since I took the last tests after N when I was sick in december (just sick obviously) and they were negative, and I had my girlie confirmation too I figured out it was within the last 5 weeks, which is definetly J. Poor J is really not taking it well, I mean I didn't expect him to but I think his morals are the hardest for him. Like I don't expect anything from him, I am not looking for a baby daddy and I don't even know what I need. And he doesn't really want this to be happening at all, but he feels bad about not helping so we are working on that. I wish I could make it easier for him.

I would probably be super stressed and upset too but I am trying really hard to maintain calm and stuff because I know the first three months are touch and go and I couldn't imagine losing it.

I went to the doctors this morning, its for sure. They took heaps of blood for all different tests though, my veins are defective! I have like the slowest blood flow in the world. So I go back next week and get those results then they pass them on to the hospital and I can arrange ultrasounds and all whatever else! I have one at about 10 weeks and then at 18. Oh and I am 5 weeks now.

So, suprise surprise huh?

Days Like These

Oh I'm so exhausted.

Still so strung out from the Mum thing and a huge week at work so far.

J is all weird around me, I really hurt him which I hate, and I can't process it because I am still so quick to bottle things up. I still want to hug him but I think he just needs me to leave him alone.

So Dad is coming over this Saturday, staying with me for a week and a half, Mum has decided not to come at all. I don't know how I feel about it, seems like a huge waste of money, and I'm worried how she will go by herself during that time because she is obviously not in a good place.

My Aunt is messaging me at the moment, she hadn't heard about all this, and I get to tell her her sister isn't coming over to see her.

Work sucks this week but only one more day and I let A know how I was feeling today. That said though, people don't seem to realise A is not my boss, including him! My boss has abandoned me, i don't know when I get my new boss but I work with A not below him, very annoying.

But yeah, I'm hungry and since its payday I actually have food so I'm going to eat.

You drive me Crazy

I still haven't spoken to Mum.

I have spoken to my sister E quite a bit. She baisically never wants to speak to Mum, her fiance who was CCd into the email feels the same.

E thought it was only her I had blocked from facebook so she was pissed at first but now I have explained we have actually helped each other process it a bit i i think, she has definetly helped me.

My sister C hasn't seen the email yet we think. So E sent her an email telling her to delete it before reading it, try spare her from this mess. But she will have to read it to know whats going on. I guess we just don't want it to blow up any futher, on Mum, or on us if she takes Mums side.

Dad emailed E yesterday, because she was too upset to answer the phone. He rang her 5 times, he didnt ring me. He is pretty angry but as E said seems to be letting it go a bit now. E said if she was him she would have left. Dad is trying to play peacemaker I guess. And he thinks maybe Mum needs phsyciatric help. But it's just one of those things, I understand it because I have the same problems as her. They tried to put me on meds, she has been taking those meds for 10 years and then this. And they sent me to phsycologists and phsyciatrists and I'm still all fucked up. But at least I try to keep my crazy attacks out of the family.