Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm only happy when it rains

Wow, see when I was on the train on the way home tonight I saw this blog going so much differently.

Kind of like this.

So I deleted my last blog, about the guy who made me so happy because I was so sure it would end in tears, but actually it's just getting better and better, he's so amazing and he makes me amazingly happy.

I thought it would be about that.

Then my Mum drops the email on me - and the whole family, which has left me in tears and feeling like I'm going to throw up.

She has just sent me a text apologizing. I don't know what to say, I am reeling, I'm so hurt and even if she is taking it back now it just confirmed how she obviously feels about me.

I have already deleted the whole family off facebook. I should have never had them on there anyway, they find me so vapid and shallow, because I can't talk to them about the things that are real. I tried to and this is where it got me.

My parents are supposed to be coming over and staying with me for three weeks in a week and a half. I guess maybe they should stay with my aunt, I could certainly use the money if I could work during that time.

I can't believe how much this hurts.

I always feel it from her, especially this last weekend when I was over there for Christmas. The way when I talk she either tells me I need a hobby, or that I need to fix this about myself, or that about myself, or else she just walks off, or starts talking to someone else whilst I am talking. It's amazing the number of times she did that, its so mean. She may not like my personality but I am her daughter and I am not going to change for her. And I can't talk to her about the real things in my life, she doesn't want to hear it!

I am so ashamed or something. I just want to pull away from the whole family. Because I know they all feel the same way about me.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Idiot Crossing

Do i have a fucking sign on my head that says walk on me / hurt me?

Jesus Christ. C is fucking mad at me because I was upset. What the fuck else do you expect when you have sex with me and tell me how much you like me but don't want a relationship with me?
And now he has said it's over, its not at all rewarding. I'm sorry, what fucking reward do you want? Because I would like people to stop walking all over me.

God even N who told me to stand up for myself is doing the same thing, i mean what am i supposed to make of that?! And I like my life for the record, I just don't like that people use me.

I stand up for myself and I end up crying anyway, what the fuck.

I knew I shouldn't have gone to the stupid christmas party. A and J were the best people there and they are probably just the same!

And i left with C, left two of my best friends there, and why? Because i was worried about missing the train? Jesus it would have been worth it to avoid us fighting all the way to the fucking train station.

I want to go home, i fucking hate it here.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Girl Interrupted

THAT is not how I saw tonight going.


Firstly let me say there are numerous contributing factors as to why I am so damn emotional this week.

But OK, so N came over for dinner, he had to pick up some of his stuff anyway and I thought it would be nice to cook him dinner, hang out a bit as friends. Which we did, and it was nice, he really appreciated the super awesome half homemade ravioli which was so nice and really I so badly just do need someone I can hug and cuddle up to at the moment.


But then we kissed. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to say no to people kissing me. I mean I like it, believe me, he is gorgeous and I want to kiss him. But I couldn't stop myself from thinking of all the people who 'really like me' but don't want a relationship with me and it just made me feel so unbelievably lonely.
So I started to cry, I kind of snuggled up to him and tried to hide it but when he kissed me again he found out, poor guy.


Then I couldn't stop crying. Seriously though, I should get a tattoo that says 'Warning.. Ask me if I am OK and I will cry'. He was really worried and really sweet. I am seeing that side of him he originally surprised me with again, the incredibly sweet and sensitive side. He tried to get me to talk to him, or like anyone about what on earth was wrong with me. But as you may have noticed by now, I don't talk about things.


If I try to talk about serious things then all the serious things from my past, ever, come back to me and I just cry, and I do not like crying in front of people. It's why I refused to see phsycologist after phsycologist that my mother and doctors used to send me to. It's easier to bottle it up.


So I finally managed to calm down and he cuddled me for a while which I so appreciate, I so badly needed. He suggested staying the night because I was upset, but I know I won't sleep, with everything going on in my head, and it being 34 degrees still now at 11pm. So he was really lovely and left, again poor thing, for having to walk home in that disgusting heat.


And now here I am.

The Big Bad Wolf

So this really is the big bad secret, I have never managed to get it out in writing (I just hoped it would dissapear from my memory) The closest I came to sharing this was saying to a girl I worked with at the time - J - that "I kissed him back" and then refusing to talk about it anymore. This was not a wise choice considering the circumstances but I was drunk, it was our work Christmas party, which at this point, I am amazed I went to.

So i worked in a grocery store when I was 16, it was my first job and I worked there for about a year and a half I think. If that's right then these things must have occured when I had been there for about a year.

I worked on the checkout, that was about it other than the occassional stocktaking or tidying up the shelves. I worked with a couple of girls from school, a few boys from around town (the two groups dated a little bit, we paired up at some point - mine didn't last) and of course the managers who had worked in groceries for forever.

In the fruit and vegetable section the manager type person was A. A was a massive flirt with all the girls and we played up to it, my choice response was the ever mature sticking my tongue out, and never thought anything more because he was married (and at this time had a baby on the way) He is also the cousin of one of my best friends whilst growing up, and as far as I know still remains awesome cousin A to her.

So one week the two real managers N and someone I can't remember had some sort of confrence in the city so were away from the week and A was acting manager for the whole store.

One afternoon this week I was cashing out my tray to lock up. We had a special little room for this. Mid count A opened the door, said something, I can't remember what. I stuck my tongue out at him, he gave me this weird look then squeezed into the room and said something like "I told you you should be careful doing that all the time" and kissed me. It was kind of awful, he had a beard or a goatie or something and I was stunned. I did however kiss him back. He snuck back out and I continued to cash up and then all but ran out to my Dad's car, shaking like a leaf the entire time and not speaking to my Dad, just wanting to go home and cry.

Another night, possibly the next one I worked until the store closed, so I cashed up my tray, got my stuff from the store room and went to see if my Dad was in the back car park (secluded and only used really for the start or end of the day) He was late (Something my Mum later had a go at him about and I think they both felt terrible but they weren't to know) So I went back inside, this was the back area of the store, storage, fridges and stuff. A was the only one there, and being the supervisor he had to stay until I got picked up.

He was over by a work bench and called me over to him, I think he kissed me again, but what I do remember is him pulling my against him and putting his hand in my pants. I was paralysed, I didn't think to try stop him, I just wanted to get out of there. I guess my Dad arrived soon after because it didn't go any further than that.

Another day I was in the staff room on my lunch break and A came in and shut the door behind him (highly suspicious to anyone walking past, it was never shut) He took my hand and rubbed it over his pants, and said "This is what you do to me" It sounds stupid now, but I had no idea what he meant at the time.

I was a nervous wreck at this time, I was so stressed all the time, I think I must have been struggling at school, and I must have been struggling at home because at some point (a few weeks or months after that week) my sister was made to take me to the doctor. The doctor kept asking me questions, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and eventually my face started to give it away and both my sister and her saw there was something serious. I was so scared of what would happen if I told them, but I did. The doctor immediatley rang the store and told the manager. I was kept home for quite a while and someone from HR in the city came to my house and went through it with me and my parents, I didn't want to talk about it then, so when they asked if I wanted to press charges I decided not to.

I'm not sure if A was suspended and then fired, or just fired. One day once I had gone back to work he came in. I didn't have a restraining order but it was certainly agreed I would not be exposed to him. So seeing him out of the blue scared the life out of me. I think I went white as a sheet and started shaking again, my supervisor asked me what was wrong and when I finally got it out and she realised he was in the store (to collect a pay check i think, although I felt at the time like he was just taunting me) she pulled me into an aisle to keep out of his way. That sick, shaky feeling I had, I still to this day get when I see him, which luckily is only maybe once every couple of years these days.

A few weeks later I was working on a Saturday, mostly just with the girls from school, and the manager N was working that day too. Anyway I was just serving at my checkout and two women came through, one with a baby. The one with a baby asked me if I was Jennifer, I said yes and started to get defensive from her attitude, then she said "I'm A's wife" It took me a few seconds to click, then I realised who she was. It was awful. Then she had a go at me, I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was so confusing, it was as if she was under the impression I had had an affair with him? She told me I had ruined things, with getting him fired when he had a baby coming.

I finally got away, got out back to the toilets and broke down. (I yelled at the other girls on the way to get someone to cover for me) N must have heard about this and came in and found me curled up on the floor. I told him what had happened and he took off.

At this point A had gotten a job at another grocery store (and gotten fired when they heard the story from a friend of mine who had also worked at both stores) and then he had gotten another job at a larger grocery store in town (which my sister actually worked at) As far as I know he still works there.

Anyway N went to this store to find A. Apparently he went and found him at work, and yelled at him in front of everyone, telling him what his wife had done and telling him to leave me alone, and get her to leave me alone.I was amazed to hear this but appreciate it so much.

So I worked for a few weeks or months after this, but then I started getting harrassed more, one of A's cousins or nephews also worked with us at some point and he managed to call me and abuse me, also seeming to be under the impression I had seduced A. I wonder to this day what A had told his family.

Eventually I quit, I just couldn't take it anymore.And as far as I know, no one knows all the details about this series of events.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

It's been a hard days night

I am so tired.
Two days back at work and I went home with a pinched nerve in my back last night, and a headache tonight, from the tension.
It's starting to feel like the agent team is starting to conspire against me behind my back again, I thought we were over this. I tried to go home early today to get away from it but had to lock up :(
Agent B is the ringleader once again, and once again she pulled in minions in Agent S and Agent G.
I have only been back two days! I haven't done anything wrong! It's like they are punishing me for being promoted! I am trying to make things better for them, I can't help it that there is work to be done! I am flooded too and I am trying to help sort out their workload and they are not making it easy for me!
*sigh* I am so exhausted from it, I'm considering taking tomorrow off to pull myself together.
I feel that they are conspiring again, it's so obvious, and it makes me paranoid (something I have a serious issue with to start with) with them bitching about me all the time.
I can't wait til the Agent Leader - A is put in place, he had a chat to us all today and has a pretty good scope of things and is going to be invaluable in reducing the stress in my life. But he has to be trained first :( So i have to wait.
One day off is one day closer to him being in place...
And this is all yet another reason I don't want to go to the work Christmas party (for the first reason see - boys on the side) Which is sad because I had been excited about it for months, and now I just feel like it will be an excuse for them to spread their bitching about me outside of our team and make me even more paranoid.
Oh and one more day off would mean I could blog some more, do some washing, some cooking, mellow out a bit and start to feel like myself again. I have been in a sad mood for days now with everything going on with the boys and now with work, it sucks.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Boys on the Side

So the current drama...
I decided last night to stop seeing C and N for a while.
I never planned to be seeing N anyway, I'm not sure how it happened and no matter how you look at it it was a bad idea to start something with N, he's 3 years younger than me, he's C's friend, not a close friend but still. And he has a major thing for T, not that I really want any sort of commitment from him, it would just be nice to be really wanted, by either of them.
N and I thought we had a mutual agreement as to what this was, secrecy included, mostly from C and T. But now he seems to think my house is a place he can slob around in for days and nights at a time when he is coming down from drugs (or as he says "munting" - where did that word come from? its weird and it makes me feel old) He expects me to cook for him, wash his clothes, let him drink all my juice and give him massages. And that is not what we agreed on. Once I start to get walked on, it's not fun anymore. 
And I haven't seen C in weeks, I saw him on our lunch breaks the other day and we went for a walk but we didn't feel connected anymore, it made me so sad. C has never wanted an official relationship but it sure felt like one when we were connected, cooking each other dinner, hanging out, he makes me laugh. He really is an amazing guy, he is three years older than me and he is the sort of guy I had around when I was 17 and should never have let go. Only it's like guys get jaded as they get older, and he doesn't want a girlfriend. He loves going out all the time and taking drugs all the time, and the thing is, I never wanted to take any of that away from him, I quite like having all the time to myself, and I don't know if I would want a relationship with him either, but again, it would be nice if he at least wanted it.
So I cancelled on dinner with C tonight, he wasn't particularly phased, he always makes sure I know there is no pressure one way or the other - I think because he doesn't want me to be the scorned woman and create a drama for him.
And I'm going to stop seeing N, it's not like we were ever friends anyway, he didn't even know who I was until a few weeks ago and I'm just something to pass time for him while he hopes T comes back to him.
I think I will quite like having my own self back for a while anyway, back to my kind of hermity life without anyone making me feel bad about it. And not having to worry about the drama or having to clean up after anyone.
And I don't have much time at work over the next two months, between Christmas and my three weeks off in January. Time to spend some time with myself again :)


My First Blog

So, this is the way of the diary? Well I used to write my diary as if someone were going to read it so I guess this makes sense, and I quite like the anonymity. Being able to get all my big bad secrets off my chest, and only my closest friends will know this is me. To everyone else, I am just Jennifer.
Now this is just a test blog, so stay tuned for more in the near future.